Contented Thoughts...

Tonight I have deceided to take some time out. I have a gorgeous new Glasshouse Candle burning, it's this amazing Mimosa and Wild Apple scent that smells so crisp and fresh and have cracked a lovely bottle of wine. All is silent in the house, bar the inevitable noise of my adorable little furkids who's tags on their collars tinker away with the pitter patter of their paws on the tiles...and the occasional bark at the possums to really ruin the serenity. ;)

I am doing what I do best (or worst at times) tonight...thinking. I am such a thinker, have been my entire life. As a child I would live in a total fairytale land, creating anything and everything that I wanted in my mind - a school with students, a shop that was so popular it was forever selling out of things, a dance teacher with the most mind-blowing moves, a model strutting her stuff in Paris...you name it, I thought of it and lived it...there was never a dull day as a child.

As you get older though, sadly the creation of things you want in your mind, aren't as easily accessible in a heartbeat like they were as a youngin'. If you started living in a fantasy world with make-believe friends, fake money to blow on ridiculously overpriced goods, a whirlwind hollywood movie romance and a career to mirror Anna Wintours, the people in your reality might start to ask questions about your sanity...if they haven't already.

I am not saying that I am thinking of any of those things above, that was of course all tongue in cheek, but I often find that I think about issues in my life I want resolved, or things that I want changed, things from my past, stuff I want to do etc. Some topics subtle, some deep. I quite often find that I think of the same things, over and over though.

My boss has this incredible sign up on her wall...

Every time I go in there it always makes me take a moment...because while I would LOVE to be the one that makes it happen always, I know that I fall into the other two catergories more often than not. This sign always makes me think of a favourite saying, it takes one person to create change...SO true and the more power to them I say. I am envious of that person, because while I have confidence in a lot of areas of my life and an incredible support network around me, I'm not sure I could necessarily be that person, and this is something I have noticed more and more as I have gotten older to be my ultimate weakness. Self-doubt. This is a key area in my life that I need to work on.

If a friend, colleague or loved one told me their weakness/issue/problem, I would build them up over and over with absolute conviction and ease. I would put all my energy into them no questions asked. Doing the same for me though, very hard. Emi has always told me I am my own worst enemy when it comes to self-doubt. I know this is true, which kinda makes me sad, because I was brought up with such love and support and have that all around me...so why be this way?

Tonight I have been thinking about the whole self-doubt element, something that really encompasses everything from the fear of failing, being scared to take a risk/chance, caring too much about what other people think, worrying about making the wrong decision, not thinking you're good enough/ready etc. When you break it down into smaller things like the above, it just seems so silly and makes you go, geez what's the worst that could honestly happen, or who cares what other people think? However when faced with something specific that is one of those things, it's amazing how quickly the mind can go into overdrive changing your thoughts with fear factors and doubts.

This year I am going to really try and work on this area of my life, as I know this is holding me back from being the ultimate person that I can be...this has been told to me by other people recently too, so there is no denying it. The "Mack Truck Moment" has well and truly hit. LOL

I am aware that after 29 years of self-doubt slowing being instilled in me - by none other than my own fabulous over-thinking mind, I am going to work on ways to turn it all around. I'm going to really question myself whenever I move from the front foot to the back foot through subliminal fear. After all it's only up to me to make it happen, for me, by me and you know what, for the first time ever, I'm feeling really content about doing this. ;) Positivity all the way. 2012 is going to be amazing. xx